Silence.

Sometimes there are no words. Ok, well that that doesn't happen often. But sometimes though one wants to speak it's best to keep silent.

I don't really like that concept. It isn't really in my nature to not talk about anything and everything I want to talk about. So this season of my life has been an exercise in self-discipline, in more ways than one.

But I am learning. I am stretching. I am growing.

It's difficult. It's uncomfortable. It's even painful.

But if this is what it takes to bring healing, if this is what it takes to please my Jesus, if this is what it takes to obey my heavenly Father, then this is what I will do.

Rebel Thoughts.

Last week was rotten. I had sick babies all week and after a good breakthrough in counseling, I got knocked down with an abscessed tooth/root canal/PAIN! So I didn't get to do much of the "work" I needed to do. I lost about 36 hours to the pain of my tooth ache, but it felt like I lost the whole week.

This week I was very self-absorbed in my own feelings and thoughts. Can you say E-MO-TION-AL? Man, I was a basket case. My counselor told me to put down my Bible for a month. What?! Yeah, put down your Bible and experience the presence of God. Ok. Now, I struggle with guilt in this one area; reading my Bible daily is difficult. Yes, I do my Bible study. Yes, I know the Bible reasonably well. And yes, I see my counselor's point. So, I put my Bible away.

Now, last week, I spent time praying that I would die rather than spend anymore days in pain, or be cured of said toothache. Not real spiritual, but real honest! This week I had more time to spend flat on my face. And I gotta tell ya, I longed more than ever to reach for my Bible and find words of comfort. Seriously aching.

Instead, after pouring my heart out to God, and frankly not hearing any answers, I just sat in silence and waited. After a long time of silence I began a time of confession. Sin I had kept in my thoughts, but not uttered. God really wanted that part of my heart. I seem to be confessing a lot lately. And you know what happened? Nothing. Just quiet peacefulness.

Later that day came the test. Sad to say, I think I failed miserably. How easily my thoughts betrayed me, jumping right back to the point where I told God earlier in the day that I didn't want to be anymore.

Jesus be near, I need more of you.

The last of my thoughts are this: six years ago my son was born. A little more than a year before his birth an anonymous couple gave us 5 embryos. Strangers gave us 5 of their potential children. And one of those precious embryos became our Kevin. The absolutely most precious gift we have ever received from human hands (also God's hand, who is the giver of life), the gift of our son. Unfathomable. Someone who knew only that we professed to be Christians gave us our son. I am forever grateful to that couple who gave so willingly. God is good.