When you don't know when the waiting will end, you're always in the middle. Ever further from the beginning of your wait, and never closer to the end.
I was naive to think that I could handle the wait with ease. After all, I've waited before. Long waits. Emotionally charged waits. Waits when the end is completely unknown. I thought it would be easy compared to those other waits.
I long for the end, when the outcome is past and I am on the other side of healing. When life seems normal again. When there are no sickening fears. When there are no private pow-wows. When I can talk to my friends and family freely without them wondering what the heck is going on in my life. When life feels safe again. When we can put this horrific ugliness in the past and leave it there forever. When I don't have to second guess every decision I make.
I'm in the middle. Trying to remember that God's timing is perfect. Trying to hold on to the promise that He works everything for the good of them that love him who are called according to his purpose. I'm in the middle. Trying to find comfort in knowing that God can do amazing things through adversity. I'm in the middle. Trying to be the person I think God wants me to be.
But I gotta tell ya... I ain't feeling it tonight. I feel like slapping somebody, and I know if I even started slapping somebody I'd end up beating the ever loving daylights out of them two or three, maybe five times over. I hope the intensity of this feeling is just PMS speaking.
Please, Lord, can't you arrange for me to have a spiritual and emotional Calgon bath? I need to be washed from all this. All my thoughts need a good scrubbing. My emotions could us a good, long, relaxing soak. A quiet respite from my inner turmoil. I just need to know that in the middle of this waiting, I'm also in the middle of Your will. In the middle of Your hand. In the middle Your protection and encampment surrounding me. Safe in the middle.