Tuesday, March 30, 2010

It All Started When I Saw This....

A simply beautiful, blue hydrangea.

Hydrangeas hold a special place in my heart. After my second miscarriage, the loss of twins at 7 weeks gestation, a friend brought us a blue hydrangea. The moment I saw it I thought, "How fitting that it's blue, since we lost boys." We didn't know for sure that we lost boys, I just felt strongly that they were boys. When my husband got home that evening and saw the blue flowers he had the same sentiments, because he also strongly felt that they had been boys. So we named our second set of twins Sam and David a few days after they left us for heaven.

Whenever I see blue hydrangeas I think of Sam and David. I saw these while grocery shopping at Sam's Club today. I thought, "Hey it's the end March. It's close to the day I lost them. No, wait. It's the 30. Today is the day. Six years ago today."

As I walked through the store it seemed like blue hydrangeas were everywhere. It didn't take long before I was a complete mess. Walking through Sam's Club wishing I could just find a quiet place to bawl my eyes out. I haven't been so overcome with the grief of that loss for quite awhile, it has, after all, been 6 years. But man, oh man, did I cry.

This is one of the things about grief that perplexes me. You see, I'm perfectly at peace with this loss. I have grieved, but I have also gotten to the point of acceptance. I recognize that God taught me great things in the loss. That God carried me through it. That God drew us closer to Himself because of it. I also see that if we had been allowed to keep Sam and David, we would not have our son, Kevin, and probably not our surprise, Izaak, either. And I needed them. Our family would look completely different, and frankly, I like us the way we are now.

I've been asking myself Why? all afternoon. And I don't have an answer, but maybe the answer is simply that a mom never gets over the loss of a baby, no matter how early the loss, no matter how long ago it took place.

To Sam & David: I thank God for you today. I thank God for the things he accomplished in me through two little heartbeats that I saw one time on a screen, and got to carry for a few weeks, and love wholeheartedly. You changed us. Though I never got to hold you in my arms, I hold you in my heart even still. I love you.

I thank God for the beautiful reminder of two precious babies that he sent me today in the form of hundreds of blue hydrangeas. And I thank him for carrying me through the darkest hours of my life.